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My heart aches. . .

My heart aches. . .

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I cried my eyes out this morning. Literally. Contacts slid right out of my eyes, lashes clumped together and my vision blurred around me.

I sit at my desk, weeping now as I type. My sister says the older I get the more emotional I am, and I agree. I am more sensitive, but I think it’s more a result of how less sensitive the world is becoming.

Today, we awake to yet another senseless killing of a Black Man, #PhilandoCastile. Yesterday it was #AltonSterling. I’m tired yall. Been tired for quite some time. My heart still reels over #TrayvonMartin.

I think the thing that put me over the edge was the fact these men’s deaths were witnessed by their children. Alton’s son wept openly at the news conference with his mother. To hear that baby’s sobs, broke my heart. And then to watch the live streaming of the incident with Philando and hear the women’s 4 year old daughter say, “It’s O.K., Mommy. It’s O.K. I’m right here with you.” My spirit is broken.

How do we fix this, yall? I don’t know. We live is a society of desensitized culture. Watching bodies covered with blood, strewn about highways, covered on cold streets is a daily occurrence. We are no longer concerned with the HUMAN condition. We are busy validating our reason for arguing that “Black Lives Matter.” We are busy validating our Right to Bear Arms. We are busy refuting petitions that call for the removal of people from their jobs for using their Freedom of Speech. We are busy watching our electoral system become a 3 ring circus with moral-less candidates spewing hate-language like elementary school fairy tales.

These incidents happen and we all return to our rallying cry. Begging, pleading, “demanding” justice; but in the end, it never really comes. And when “right” is finally served, it’s always a day late and a dollar short. I’m tired yall.

I’m scared for my daughters. I’m frightened for my step-sons. I’m frightened for my own brother who was a victim of a system that was designed to destroy him, tag him for life and punish him when he was just a boy, as if he slayed the “Masta'” himself.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t have any solutions. I’m just in a state of befuddlement yall.

Today I cry. Hopefully we won’t add another name to the wall of senseless murders. But tomorrow, I pack away these tears. Continue to pray for God’s covering over my Children, my family and all those people that I’m connected with. I will continue to talk to them, try to be as honest and open as I can. And then I will find a way to take action.

#BlackLivesMatter

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Posted by on July 7, 2016 in Rant

 

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In Search of the Christmas Spirit, Part II

In Search of the Christmas Spirit, Part II

With Christmas just two days away, I have GOT to find my Christmas Spirit. I guess this year it’s been slow coming because the “Mister” is on the other side of the world defending the country, and I feel a little guilty celebrating when he’s so far away. All of the gifts have been purchased and delivered, yet more than half of them are still in the bags or in the boxes they were shipped in.  Heck, some nights we haven’t even bothered to cut on the Christmas Tree lights, but at least the tree is up and decorated, huh?

Well, tonight we decided to shake off these “Bah Hum Bugs” and go in search of the elusive “Christmas Spirit.” And boy, what did we find! We traveled 3 miles to the famed Garrison Street in Point Loma where the holiday spirit was in STEREO! With lights, sounds and kiddies all a joy, it was very difficult not to be excited that Santa’s big night is near. For more than 30 years, the neighbors on Garrison Street have been sharing their holiday joy with hundreds of visitors. There were tons of families, tour buses and even a few limo tours. We initially were going to do a drive by, but after our first pass, we couldn’t resist parking and strolling through the Winter Wonderland. It was amazing!

If you haven’t been, this is a must visit. It totally changed my excitement about Holiday lights.  See for yourself!

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Posted by on December 23, 2014 in Family

 

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In Search of the Christmas Spirit

In Search of the Christmas Spirit

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‘Tis the Season! I have been slowly but surely trying to find the Christmas spirit. It seems like Thanksgiving sped by and I haven’t had the opportunity to decompress and gear up for Santa.  However, having two small kids at home, I have to summon the essence of the holidays somehow, and in a hurry. So this year, I began my effort with a new twist on a holiday favorite as well as the original version: Debbie Allen’s “The Hot Chocolate Nutcracker” and California Ballet’s “The Nutcracker.” I so glad I decided to attend both!

Hot Chocolate NutcrackerDebbie Allen’s version was a high-spirited interesting twist on this holiday classic. Holding true to “The Nutcracker’s” central theme, Allen put a fun and entertaining spin on this production.  As an added bonus, “The Hot Chocolate Nutcracker” was filmed and aired it on BET this year.  We decided to wait until we saw it live before we watched it on TV so we would go into the show without any expectations. 

Hot Chocolate NutcrackerThis year also featured the Ms. Raven-Symoné. She was fantastic! From her singing to her dancing, she reminded us all of why we first fell in love with her on the Cosby Show. She is a true talent. After the show, I was admittedly disappointed to not see Ms. Debbie Allen herself, not even during the curtain call. However, I realized when we watched the show on BET, that Ms. Allen was so smartly disguised as one of the mice who stole the show, I didn’t even recognize her! In all the dancing was fabulous; the incorporation of the aerial dancers, stilt walkers, and stepping, made the show even more enjoyable for my little ones. I have to say we all left with a little more Christmas glimmer in our souls!

California Ballet NutcrackerNext up, my oldest daughter and I attended the California Ballet’s version of “The Nutcracker”. We were both excited because my daughter studied ballet for years and this would bring back memories of her on stage. We opted to leave the little ones at home because it would be a late night and we just wanted to have a “grown girls” night out.  (My daughter will be 20 in February.) First I must say, the set was gorgeous! From the opening scene to the last, I was impressed by the attention to detail that went into creating each set. I’d also like to give special thanks to the California Ballet because we went on their military appreciation night and our two tickets cost us a whopping $5 total! Not only did we have great seats, but the performance was phenomenal! The dancing, music and imagery were outstanding!

I can say, after our marathon of Nutcracker, it is beginning to look a lot like Christmas, everywhere I go…. Here’s hoping you all have found your own holiday cheer!  Happy Holidays to you and yours and may your days be sunny and bright!

 
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Posted by on December 23, 2014 in Family

 

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These STREETS is talking. . .

Everyone who knows me knows that my guilty pleasure is watching ignorant azz reality TV.  Real Housewives, Love & Hip Hop, Married to Medicine, Basketball Wives. . . the more trashy the better.

The STREETS is Talking!Recently a line from Love & Hip Hop has become my favorite slogans. It’s when Rich Dollaz tries to get Peter Gunz and Erica Mena to sit down and squash their so-called “beef.” Erica, in CLASSIC Erica Mena no-holds-barred-mouth-is-unparralled fashion states to Peter, “Let’s talk about the streets,” Erica says, “cause the streets is talking and you a f—ing clown out in these streets.” I loved this!  This one line summarizes what has become of our culture today.  We have allowed the “STREETS” to dictate the value of our lives.

Case in point: MiMi Faust from the Atlanta version of the show. I guess the STREETS told her in order to stay relevant, go shoot a full blown porno with a low-life wannabe rapper that has questionable sexuality issues and be sure to include classic footage of your azz swinging off a shower rod while you getting pounded. . . “These STREETS is talking and now they saying you’s a HO to the 5th degree.” The only one who has come up in this situation is whats-his-name???  And let’s not even talk about he totally was not worried when all the melee broke out at the reunion show. MiMi, please get a clue.

Case in point: Chris Brown’s most recent mugshot was “leaked” just before he goes to trial for the brawl involving him and his bodyguard. If it wasn’t for bad press, poor Chris wouldn’t get no press. “These STREETS is talking and they saying CHRIS! PLEASE! SIT! YO! AZZ! DOWN!”

Case in point:  It appears that toddlers have become great lawyers. Their argument skills are off the chain. I still laugh ’til I’m crying at Mathew’s argument with his mom. “These STREETS is talking and they saying Linda YOU don’t listen!”

Case in point: My favorite gal, Erica Mena just announced that she and lil’ Bow Wow (Shad Moss) are engaged… after six months of dating. Now I ain’t one to gossip, but neither one of these two have been known to take break-ups well… good luck to the both of you, but the STREETS is talking and they saying, “These Ho’s ain’t loyal.”

And Finally, Case in point: Recently Sheryl Underwood revealed she overheard a conversation of some other well-known comedians talking about her some umpteen years ago. She said she had kept the secret until this day and had used the experience as a learning opportunity. Well, the STREETS is talking and they saying out of the ladies who were involved, Sommore, Adele Givens, and Laura Hayes…ummm Sheryl checked yall azzes boo! She gettin’ them major network checks!  (But ummm…. Rickey Smiley didn’t have to drop dime on Sheryl’s messy ways like that. lol)

And Finally, Case in Point: Was I the only one who was heartbroken when it was announced that Kandi Burruss’s “A Mother’s Love” would NOT be coming to a city near me??  What a shame, that the tour fell through.  But these STREETS is talking and they saying the promoter is bouncing paychecks and what-not.  WHAT YOU NOT GOING TO DO IS WRITE ME NO BAD CHECK FOR MY PAYCHECK!!  Homie don’t play that!  Well, I hope they are able to find another promoter who can actually follow through with the tour. But ummm….I won’t be buying tickets until the week of. ijs 🙂

 

 
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Posted by on September 22, 2014 in Random Thoughts, Uncategorized

 

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Oh! Oh! Ooohhhoh! It’s Your Birthday!!!

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Today is my wiser, MUCH OLDER sister’s birthday. We started the day off in our usual tradition of BabyGirl calling and singing her latest rendition of her birthday song, and BAAAABAY, did she have a song today! It was replete with dance movements and arm waving and actually made me want to throw on my club gear and “drop it like it’s hot.” (You know I’m too classy to ‘twerk’.)

Well, I guess my sister and I have both reached another remarkable milestone that we both probably never fathomed would happen for us. Today she’s the big 4-5, and during our “early morning” convo she mentioned, she was starting to get worried because my cousins told her about some crazy dreams that involved our late uncle and she probably was worried he was coming back from the dead to warn her. . . chile bye! I told her don’t let them two suck her into that insanity.  He probably was coming back to make sure she was heeding his promise to her that she would live at his house. (And let me tell you she never plans to leave either!)

But today is remarkable because she is a decade (plus) older than our mother was when she passed and THAT is something to celebrate!!

When I tell folks about how she terrorized me as a child (once she actually tried to drown me in the sink) they think I’m exaggerating. But seriously she is the reason for 10 or more years of my life I thought that I was going to die of cancer (because my zodiac sign is cancer). Even to this day she finds ways to get into my brain and torture me with our imaginary competitions (that I always throw the towel in on – like that friggin’ 30 day blogging challenge), or with her random “SELFIES” that are like waking nightmares to me. lol (No really, it’s that teasing smile.)  And she is the reason all of my children were confused on what their real names were (she decided no matter what I named them, she would bless them with her own brand of name. . . thus my oldest is “Caitlyn”(she was obsessed with that name in ’95), my middle is “Hunny Bunny”(the tom boy in her gets real uncomfortable if you call her that in public) and my youngest is “Lala”(she insists though, “my name is not ‘lala.’ One day she’ll learn it’s a futile battle!))  This is why I insist they all call her Aunt “Nana” just so we can even out the score (it amuses me that it looks like they’re calling her grandma). lol

Despite all of that, I can honestly say that 31 years of distance made us work harder at building our relationship and she is truly my closest friend. We talk no less that twice a day and every conversation feels like she just left my house an hour ago. She’s still my best advisor because with her Virgo nature, she gives her “no holds barred” honest opinion whether I want to hear it or not. And I can call her a million times a day with nothing particular to say, but our conversations last hours and hours. That was the magic of us working to build that bond.

I can always count on her to send a “put lala on the phone” text, or to telekinetically challenge me to some competition that I don’t want to be involved in, but the fighter in me rises to the challenge every time.  God having blessed me with her, in particular, has been one of the greatest blessings of my life. In her He gave me a sounding board, lawyer, advisor, confidante, ally(except in certain compromising circumstances like when I almost caught federal charges for drug trafficking – read this most for details), friend, keeper of all useless knowledge, and best of all SISTER.

Our relationship is what I consider one of the most defining things in my life, the reason I entitled my book club “Sisters in Spirit” and the reason my email address is “SistersSpirit.”  You see sisters share a unique bond that can’t really be described in words, it’s an experience…

So, Ohhh Ohh Oohhhohhh!  It’s You’re Birthday! To my sister, Cashana!!!

And because she just loves to take pictures of herself and send them to me, here’s my gift to all of you who are reading this blog!

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Posted by on September 10, 2014 in Family, Life

 

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I Just Want to Cuss. . .

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Today is one of those days when, I just feel like shouting for the whole world to kiss my … you get my point. Being a moody Cancer, I understand there will be days that I just don’t feel like going through the motions, playing nice, or even being bothered with anyone.  I just want to be left the F%&# alone.

I try to temper my interactions with others and really try to make the extra effort to watch my facial expressions, my tone and word choice when I talk to others.  But at times, it just gets to be too much and I end up saying exactly what’s on my mind at the time.

I think one of the worst times was when my ex-fiance and I were about to break up. I can’t remember what the exact event was that took me over the edge, but I do remember him calling me, probably for the 100th time that day while I was out with 2 of my girlfriends.  I can’t remember exactly what I said to him, but when I hung up the phone the expression on my girlfriends’ faces told me that I probably should have waited to speak to him when I got home. Instead I unloaded probably 3 months worth of pent-up frustration on in him two minutes… a lethal prescription. Anywho, I did feel bad about what I said, but I probably did at the time mean every word.

Now fast forward to today. I started my day off with someone on the job, a person who had a vendetta against my former boss, coming into the office and speaking badly about her. (My boss left abruptly after a year of harassment). I held my tongue, but boy did I want to let this person have it. Leaving the office to go to a meeting, I pass this person and another person probably commiserating about the same issue and instead of saying something, I walked past like I didn’t even see them.  Then I go to this “conference.” I’m trying to figure out if I’m really upset because it wasn’t really what I expected or if I’m mad because I didn’t win a single door prize. (My sister always tells me to practice two scenarios, and I didn’t). But I’m heavily leaning toward the fact that I’m mad that I didn’t accomplish the goals I set out for attending which were to make new connections, learn how to better deal with my husband’s upcoming deployment, and win a friggin iPad.

Now, I’m sitting here back at work dreading the fact that I told my husband I’d go with him to a Braves baseball game tonight and I’d rather sit in my bedroom and watch paint dry. And just to be honest, there are a few things he’s done this past week that have really grated on my last nerve, but I’ve held my tongue… You KNOW how this is going to end right?

I just want to go somewhere and cuss! I just want to go into a private room and tell all these people exactly what I think of them and not worry about the consequences of hurting their feelings. That’s probably my biggest struggle. Maybe I wouldn’t let things build up to this point, if I didn’t worry about how my message will be received. I don’t want to crush someone’s self-esteem, I just want them to wake the h@#$ hup and realize that the world doesn’t revolve around their azz. And heck just DO WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO!!

Anywho, it’s going to be a whirlwind weekend, and next week I’m traveling so to heck with all this BS! I’m going to party next week like I’m 19 again!!

So have a great weekend y’all! Please pray I don’t blow it this weekend!!

 

 
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Posted by on August 1, 2014 in Life, Rant

 

40! I made it!!!

Laughter and love surrounded me as I marked another milestone in my life,  my 40th birthday. 28 of my family members joined me in New Orleans and we helped renovate a house, ate some of the best soul food I’ve tasted in a while, laughed, drank, sang and just fellowshiped. 

The best moments for me were watching my children interact with their cousins. Walking down Magazine Street with my sisters and best friend.  Sitting back and watching my sister and best friend interact with each other like old friends.  Having my mom cater to my every whim and she made her world famous Kool aid!  Having my nephews embrace me and actually know who I am this time. Shouting ‘TurnUp’ in the middle of Bourbon Street with my cousin’s husband who had a fishbowl of alcohol hanging from his neck.  Seeing my daughter reunite with one of her oldest and dearest friends.  Hearing the patter of my baby girls feet as she squeeled with laughter running through her house filled with family. Seeing my middle daughter connect and bond with her first cousins. And mostly just being surrounded with the love of my family.

Despite all of the happiness and cheer, at the end of the day, I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness that at first I couldn’t describe. Then I remembered my brother wasn’t her to share this moment,  and again he didn’t think enough of me to even send me a ‘hbd’ text. Sadness. 

Anywho, I won’t dwell on that because it is what it is and the fact of the matter is I am truly blessed because 28 folks who love me, took time out of their lives to share this occasion with me. They wished me well, gave me great words of wisdom, and most importantly LOVED me enough to show it. 

I am blessed.  

Happy 40th to me! birthdayzilla2-tshirt

 

 
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Posted by on July 20, 2014 in Uncategorized

 
 
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